By Víctor Silva and Marcela Gómez
You have not had sex for some time. Perhaps you have counted the weeks or months; perhaps the hardest part is not knowing how to talk about it without someone feeling accused or pressured. Frequency alone does not tell you what that absence means for the two of you.
There is no universal number that determines whether a relationship works. What matters is whether both of you are comfortable with the situation, whether one person wants something different, whether there is distance or distress, and whether you can talk without creating a sexual obligation. An absence of sex needs context, not a diagnosis of the relationship based on the calendar.
Is there no sex, or is the sexual connection one person wants missing?
Before counting encounters, it helps to clarify what you are including. Sometimes “we do not have sex” means there is no penetration even though other forms of sexual contact remain. At other times, it means there is no shared erotic encounter at all.
You do not need to impose one definition in order to address the issue. What matters is understanding which experience each person misses. Perhaps you miss not only a practice but also the feeling that your partner seeks you out. Perhaps, for the other person, sexuality is still present in a form you are not recognizing.
Clarifying this can prevent an argument about numbers when what someone means is “I do not feel desired,” “I miss shared pleasure,” or “I do not want every form of contact to carry a sexual expectation.”
If both of you are comfortable, comparison does not create a problem you must fix
You may both want little or no shared sexual activity and not experience that as a lack. Other couples’ experiences do not automatically establish something you need to correct.
A position statement from the European Society for Sexual Medicine on desire discrepancy recommends avoiding its automatic pathologization and attending to distress and relationship context. It is an expert position that acknowledges limits in the evidence; it does not establish a frequency everyone should reach.
However, being comfortable is not the same as having stopped talking in order to avoid tension. One person may say that nothing is wrong because they do not want to apply pressure while still experiencing an important loss. The absence of conflict does not prove agreement.
If one person misses it, that experience also needs room
“I do not want you to have sex out of obligation” and “a shared sexual life matters to me” can be said together. Respecting consent does not require declaring that what is missing is irrelevant.
The conversation can begin with that difference without demanding an immediate sexual solution: “I want to understand how you are experiencing this. I am not asking us to do something now to prove anything to me.”
For the other person, it may be important to be able to say no without having to provide a sufficiently convincing explanation each time. No one needs to justify a refusal for it to be respected. Whether both people want to talk about what is happening in the relationship is a different question; that participation cannot be produced through pressure either.
How you arrived here matters more than finding a quick cause
You can consider whether the absence appeared suddenly or gradually, what changed around that time, and how attempts to approach each other were experienced. There may be exhaustion, previous distance, or a physical difficulty. These are possibilities to explore, not causes an article can assign to you.
The NHS lists possible health factors, medications, and hormonal changes associated with lower desire. If a change concerns you or you suspect an effect from treatment, you can consult a healthcare professional without changing medication on your own. When there is pain during or after sex, Cleveland Clinic’s clinical information supports seeking a medical assessment; it should not be explained only through what is happening in the relationship.
A medical assessment examines symptoms and possible health factors. Clinical sexology may provide specialized care for sexual difficulties depending on the situation; that is not the same as working with the meaning of those difficulties inside the relationship. Ancestrina addresses that relational dimension within its scope and refers to another specialist when appropriate. It is not presented as a clinical sexology service.
Pressure may be present in what happens after a no
Insisting, becoming angry, withdrawing affection, or asking for sex as proof of love are behaviors worth recognizing. An explicit order is not required for someone to feel that they must agree in order to avoid a consequence.
The person who wants more may also remain silent for fear of being seen as demanding. Speaking about what they are experiencing is not automatically pressure. The difference lies in expressing what is missing without turning it into a sexual debt the other person must pay.
Rebuilding contact should not contain a hidden obligation
If both of you want to explore closeness, you can agree on forms of contact that interest you. They do not have to be sexual, and they cannot be presented as a step that obligates either person to go further.
A kiss does not commit anyone to continue. Setting aside time together does not promise desire. Agreeing to begin an experience does not remove the possibility of stopping. Consent needs to remain present; it is not settled once at the beginning.
Nor should nonsexual contact be used to declare an important sexual difference resolved. It can be valuable in itself while leaving another question open. That question needs to be nameable without anyone having to prove gratitude by giving it up.
If the absence continues
You may discover a form of relationship that both of you can choose. You may both want to explore and need specialized help. Your preferences may also remain different, with no arrangement that both people want.
No article can decide how important sex should be in your relationship. Ancestrina’s position is to hold two limits at once: there is no obligation to provide sexual activity, and there is no obligation to choose a relationship whose conditions you do not want.
If the central issue is that one person wants more, or wants something different, When Partners Have Different Sex Drives examines that tension. The next step is not to determine who has the correct frequency, but to clarify which possibilities could be consensual and genuinely chosen by both people.
Sources and scope of the references
- NHS (2026). Low sex drive (loss of libido). Reviewed May 26, 2026. Reference. Official health information: A range of possible factors and medical consultation when concerned. It cannot assign a cause to an individual or justify changing medication without consultation.
- Dewitte, M., Carvalho, J., Corona, G., Limoncin, E., Pascoal, P., Reisman, Y., and Štulhofer, A. (2020). Sexual Desire Discrepancy: A Position Statement of the European Society for Sexual Medicine. Sexual Medicine, 8(2), 121–131. Reference. Expert clinical position: Desire discrepancy as a relational issue rather than an automatic pathology. The authors acknowledge limited evidence; it is not a trial-supported treatment guideline.
- Cleveland Clinic (2024). Dyspareunia (Painful Intercourse). Medically reviewed July 25, 2024. Health reference. Supports seeking medical assessment for pain during or after sex. It covers different anatomies and is not used here to assign individual causes or support an Ancestrina treatment.
