{"id":42391,"date":"2026-10-29T22:14:15","date_gmt":"2026-10-30T03:14:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ancestrina.com\/?p=42391"},"modified":"2026-10-29T22:14:19","modified_gmt":"2026-10-30T03:14:19","slug":"i-want-it-to-be-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ancestrina.com\/en\/i-want-it-to-be-you\/","title":{"rendered":"I Want It to Be You"},"content":{"rendered":"
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ESSAY<\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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I Want It to Be You<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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V\u00edctor Silva<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"Portrait\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t
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Marce<\/p>

Sometimes I look at our life and a very simple phrase comes to me: I want it to be you.<\/p>

It is not something I think because I am choosing between possibilities. Nor is it a promise about thirty years from now. It is more like a recognition. I look at what we are living, I look at you, I look at us, and there it is: yes, I want it to be you.<\/p>

And saying it inevitably leads me to ask what I am really saying.<\/p>

Because you are not the woman I met. That woman no longer exists exactly as she was. And I am not the man you met either. We still have our names, our history, a body we recognize, memories that belong to us, but we keep changing. We change. We move. We discover things, leave others behind, go through different times, fall, get back up, grow tired, grow excited. Sometimes we understand each other, and sometimes we have to find each other again.<\/p>

Perhaps that is why I love winning you over so much.<\/p>

And I know the phrase can sound strange, because winning someone over usually means obtaining something until it becomes your own. That is not how it feels with you. I do not want to obtain you. There is nothing for me to obtain. I know you love me. I know you choose me. I do not live worrying that this might disappear. What I enjoy is seducing you. Flirting with you. Being present. Not taking it for granted that because we found each other one day, we no longer need to keep finding each other.<\/p>

I never reach the point where I can say: now I know who you are.<\/p>

And I like that.<\/p>

I like who you are today, and the person you are becoming.<\/p>

I admire your courage. The boldness with which you can enter places many people would rather skirt around. I have seen you confront your fears, look at your history, enter into pain without making yourself small before it. I like your strength. I like that woman who lets no one push her around, who is not afraid to take up her space. I find you powerful. I find you beautiful. I find you tremendously sexy.<\/p>

But there is something else in you that moves me in a different way: your capacity for wonder. The way you look at the moon. A sunset. How you can sit beneath a tree or lie on the grass and simply be there. There is something innocent in that, not naive: an ability to let beauty touch you that still surprises me.<\/p>

And you have been changing the way I see things without trying to. Now I can be alone, look at a beautiful moon and enjoy the moon for its own sake, and yet you appear. Not because the moon needs to remind me of you to be beautiful. It is beautiful. I look at it and enjoy it. But something of the way you look at it has already become part of my experience.<\/p>

That happens a lot between us.<\/p>

You bring me into play, into dance, into enjoyment, into the body, into joy, into stopping before something beautiful. I come into your life with my way of looking at things, my pragmatism, my famous \u201cwhy make life hard for myself?\u201d, my insistence on looking at what is in front of us and seeing what we can do with it. Some time ago I would have said that was my philosophy. Now I am not sure I can say it so easily. There are things that began as very much my own and are now woven through with our history. I have influenced you. You have influenced me. We do not think alike, and I do not want us to. That is precisely where some of the beauty lies: I do not need you to be like me to share life with you.<\/p>

We affect each other.<\/p>

And I like it.<\/p>

Perhaps there is something here of what I once tried to say when I said that together we add up to more than two. Not because a mysterious third person called \u201cthe couple\u201d has appeared between us. There is no one above you and me whom we have to obey. There is you. There is me. And there is something that happens when our two lives meet.<\/p>

There is the us we have created.<\/p>

And I love that us.<\/p>

The strange thing is that, for me, that us can only exist because we remain two. I do not want a life in which either of us has to disappear into the other. I do not want you to stop being you to fit with me. Nor do I want to stop being me to fit with you. I do not need us to feel the same things, react alike or always be heading in the same directions. There is a life that is yours. There is a life that is mine. And within them we have been making a life that is ours.<\/p>

That is home to me.<\/p>

And home is not a house either. The house can be one form it takes. Just like travel, projects, money, Ancestrina, books, the things we imagine and those we never imagined. All of that can be there or cease to be there. They are forms within something much more everyday.<\/p>

Our home happens in living: talking, dancing, laughing, arguing, making love, working, being tired, being happy, feeling down, caring for each other, leaving each other in peace, looking at a moon, lying on the grass. Also in those small frictions that suddenly show us something we had not seen and make us look at each other again. We do not have to sit down every day to review our relationship as though we were running a business. Living together speaks for itself. Something rubs. Something feels uncomfortable. Something changes. Something becomes beautiful. And when it appears, we look at it.<\/p>

That too is being present: not taking it for granted that I know who you are just because I have been with you for some time; not relating only to the image I have of you; being able to meet who you are today and allowing you to do the same with me.<\/p>

There are days when you are strong and expansive. Others when you are tired, sad, angry or closed off. I have my ways too. I do not love only those ways of yours that are comfortable for me. That would be a very small idea of love. I can prefer some things and not others. I can disagree with you. We can argue. I can set boundaries. You can set them with me. Loving does not mean I like everything, or that everything has to fit into the life I want to live.<\/p>

But I do not know how to break you into pieces in order to love you.<\/p>

I do not know how to say: I love this Marce, but not that one.<\/p>

I love you, as you are and as you keep changing.<\/p>

And when I think about that, I find a very similar relationship with something I have also felt about life for a long time. I love life. I love life as it unfolds. That does not mean I like everything that happens. There are forms I desire and others I do not. There is pain I would not choose. There are situations I would leave. There are things I say no to. But my love for life does not depend on life taking only the forms I prefer.<\/p>

With you I feel something similar.<\/p>

I love you.<\/p>

And today, when I say I love you, I cannot separate that love from the desire to share my life with you. I do not know what I will say tomorrow. What do I know about tomorrow? Tomorrow is not here yet. But today those things come together: I love you, and I want to make a life with you.<\/p>

And making a life with you has also meant discovering things about myself that I did not know were still waiting to be lived. For much of my life I repeated a phrase with considerable pride: I can do it on my own. And it is true. I can do it on my own. I have done it many times.<\/p>

What took me longer to discover was that beneath \u201cI can do it on my own\u201d there was another, quite different phrase:<\/p>

I have to do it on my own.<\/p>

It was not only about ability. There was something more. A history in which falling could mean being left exposed. In which feeling vulnerable had not always been a safe place to be. Something in me learned that when you are hurt, the best thing is to withdraw, hide away a little, sort things out and then come back out.<\/p>

I am like a little animal when I get sick. I retreat into my shell.<\/p>

The last time I caught a cold, exactly that happened again. I felt ill, unprotected, and I left our room. I got up and went to another room to retreat into my shell. You came out a little later. You did not come in. You did not decide for me that I needed you to look after me. You did not invade my hiding place. You asked me to come back to our room.<\/p>

You invited me to be vulnerable with you.<\/p>

And I came back. You took care of me.<\/p>

It seems like a small scene. A man with a cold, a woman asking him to come back to bed. But something broke open there. I thought that shell had already been broken. We had talked. We had had other moments, other frictions, other small falls. I had already learned so much from our history. And yet that day I understood that another layer remained.<\/p>

I did not discover that I could not do it on my own.<\/p>

I discovered something much more beautiful:<\/p>

I no longer have to do it on my own.<\/p>

Writing it still moves me.<\/p>

Because I do not feel I have lost anything of myself by being able to let myself be cared for. I did not become less strong. I did not hand over my life. I did not stop being the author of what was happening to me. I simply returned to the room. To our room. And I could be ill beside you.<\/p>

Perhaps that too is home: a place where I can fall without having to stop being me.<\/p>

It did not appear overnight. We built it. It is made of small experiences, arguments, moments in which each of us could learn something about the other firsthand. It is something we have built up together. Whenever something new happens, we do not start from scratch. We arrive with all of that behind us. That is why, when I say I love that us, I am not merely saying I love having company. I love the particular way we can be our individual selves together.<\/p>

Two people, each remaining themselves, walking through life as it unfolds.<\/p>

We do not complete each other. I do not believe you came to fill a missing half of me. Nor do I feel I came to complete you. I like what really happens much more: we meet, we affect each other, and we go on being. Sometimes your movement moves me. I see you grow, confront yourself, dare, and something in me wants to move too. Not because we are competing to see who gets further. It is a much more beautiful game: you keep changing, I keep changing, and by being present with each other as we are, we invite each other not to become fixed in a photograph.<\/p>

And while that happens, that us keeps changing too.<\/p>

It has no final form. Perhaps that is what I like most about building with you. For a long time I used \u201cbuilding a life\u201d as though building meant arriving at something: a house, a project, stability, a recognizable form we could one day look at and say: this is what we made.<\/p>

Today I feel something different.<\/p>

Building our life is living it.<\/p>

We are not making a life so we can live it later. It is this: this day, last night's conversation, breakfast, an argument, sex, the moon, an illness, a burst of laughter, a trip if it comes, an ordinary afternoon if no trip comes. Projects can end. A house can be finished. A book can reach its last page. A business can grow to a certain size. Our life does not work that way.<\/p>

As long as this us exists, it will go on being made, because you will go on being, I will go on being, and the encounter will go on taking forms we do not even know today.<\/p>

Perhaps that is why, when I look at our life, I do not feel the urge to guarantee anything.<\/p>

I feel the urge to live it.<\/p>

With you.<\/p>

And today, on your birthday, there is something especially beautiful about thinking this. Before you were my partner, before our home, before all the things we have built, something much more basic happened: you were born.<\/p>

There is a life that is Marce's. A life that did not begin in order to find me. That has a history that does not belong to me, paths walked before me, wounds, desires, decisions, a body, a way of seeing, contradictions, strength, fear, beauty and a way of being in this world that is entirely your own.<\/p>

That life goes on being.<\/p>

And at some point it met mine.<\/p>

It did not have to happen.<\/p>

It happened.<\/p>

And out of that encounter, something began to emerge that I now love deeply: you, me, us, our home, our life.<\/p>

I do not need to know what form it will take thirty years from now to know how much it means now. I do not need to promise you a future version of myself that does not yet exist to give weight to what I feel today. Today I can look at this life, look at the woman who is beside me today, look at everything we have been making while simply living, and recognize something you may already know perfectly well, but that I wanted, for once, to put fully into words.<\/p>

I love you.<\/p>

I love our life.<\/p>

I love that us.<\/p>

I love our home.<\/p>

I love the life we build by living it together.<\/p>

And when I look at all of that, among all the things I might try to say, I keep finding a very simple phrase.<\/p>

I want it to be you.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tBack to Essays<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sometimes I look at our life and a very simple phrase comes to me: I want it to be you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":42397,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"elementor_header_footer","format":"standard","meta":{"order-bump-settings":[],"_wpfnl_thankyou_order_overview":"on","_wpfnl_thankyou_order_details":"on","_wpfnl_thankyou_billing_details":"on","_wpfnl_thankyou_shipping_details":"on","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center 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